Instead of memorizing 200 lines, learn the patterns. These templates let you generate a fresh roast in five seconds, any situation, any target.
Formula 1: “You’re like [X] but without [Y]”
Compares them to something useful, then removes what makes it useful.
- You’re like Wi-Fi, but without the connection.
- You’re like a plan, but without any execution.
- You’re like confidence, but without the results to back it up.
- You’re like a mentor, but without the wisdom or the patience.
Formula 2: “Even [X] does it better than you”
Finds something pathetically low-bar and still loses the comparison.
- Even autocorrect does better than that consistently.
- Even my alarm clock is more reliable than you are.
- Even slow internet loads faster than that idea formed.
- Even the Magic 8 Ball makes more accurate predictions.
Formula 3: “That was so [X], it [Y]”
Exaggerates a quality for comic effect.
- That was so slow, it needed its own software update.
- That was so confusing, it came with its own subtitles.
- That comeback was so late, I forgot what I originally said.
Formula 4: “I’d [X], but [Y]”
The polite-sounding dismissal.
- I’d argue, but I genuinely value my peace.
- I’d respond, but I respect my time too much.
- I’d explain it, but I don’t have the crayons for this level.
- I’d roast you harder, but you’re already doing the work yourself.
Formula 5: “You have the confidence of [someone who hasn’t read the memo]”
The setup is a compliment; the punchline is the truth.
- You have the confidence of someone who didn’t read the instructions.
- You have the confidence of a contestant who guessed correctly once and never recovered.
- You have the confidence of a main character in a movie where they’re clearly not the main character.
Formula 6: “If [bad trait] were [valuable], you’d be [impressive thing]”
Converts their weakness into something ironically impressive.
- If overthinking were an Olympic sport, you’d own the gold medal.
- If excuses were a currency, you’d be running this economy.
- If procrastination were a career path, you’d be the CEO.
- If confidence alone won debates, you’d be completely undefeatable.